Friday, April 20, 2007

Erin Stimmler, Story 12, Week Six

The Abduction
By: Erin Stimmler
"Have you heard from Larry yet today" Bob said, as he tilted his head and let the cool water slide down his throat. .
"Nah... He was still asleep this morning before the rain, I didn’t want to wake him after, you know" he paused, "what he’s been through?" Ed dug into his crisp salad before turning towards Bob. The two were sitting near the entrance of the Granite Slab and could see the bright sun from the doorway. The rain that morning had lasted only a few minutes, no longer than usual, and then came the sunshine just like always.
"Then what happened?"Bob asked as he glanced quickly at Ed.
"Can we just drop this?" Ed answered defensively.
"Well, I just want to know what happened,"
"Im not even sure what I saw." Ed interrupted quickly.
"I was on the other side of the yard and heard the noise, so I ducked under the rocks there." Bob probed further as Ed finished up his mid morning meal.
With a great sigh Ed answered, "Yeah I was right there, I saw the whole thing and let me tell you," he gestured quickly, slapping the rock counter for emphasis, "There wasn’t even enough time to react before it got him. There was a shadow that crossed over our heads and before you knew it..."
"Hold on, here he comes" Bobs voice was barely a hiss.
Larry was crossing the sunny sand entrance to their favorite eatery and Ed abruptly stopped telling the story. There was nothing unusual about Larry’s appearance, he walked with the same slow swagger, his belly shifted slightly from side to side, the two couldn’t help but wonder what had really happened.
"Hey guys you didn’t wake me up, what’s that all about?", Larry looked accusingly from one to the other.
Bob empathetically blurted out. "Are you okay?"
Ed quickly chimed in, "We were just worried about you since you, well, and then you were still asleep this morning so I didn’t want to wake you.", he stumbled over his words trying to ease into the conversation of what happened the day before.
Obviously shaken Larry quietly uttered, "Why wouldn’t I be okay?".
"Something happened.", never the one to let something go Bob continued. "We’re your friends, you should tell us."
"There is nothing wrong." Larry snapped back at Bob and turned sharply. He left them going only far enough to find a warm spot to stretch out on the sand.
In a hushed voice Ed continued telling the story of what happened. "So anyway there was this shadow and then that piercing noise, you obviously heard the noise. I should have warned him, but it was pulling him towards the sky. I couldn’t do a thing. I was so scared. So I ran under the palms, and that’s where you found me this morning."
As if on cue the same shrieking noise shattered the silence.
Louder still was that of a thundering voice.
"Hey Tony, come over here and check out my lizards," It boomed from the sky and shadows were cast all about the three friends paradise. The giant sand colored claw appeared once again in the sky, this time with clear intention of grabbing one of the poor friends. To their very astonishment, as Bob and Ed coward away form the unknown, with fearless abandon Larry remained stretched on the sand.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Erin,

I really like the premise for your story -- alien abductions are always really cool. That being said, I feel the abduction could be a lot cooler if the one abducted had some memories about it. That way, the reader would get an inside look at the spaceship and alien life.

I would also like more character and scene development. What town are they in? What jobs do they have? Do they have families? Why or why not? What are some of their phobias? Etc?

Your story is pretty short, too, and I think with elaboration of characters and scene, it could be longer and a lot richer. Like I said, your premise is perfect -- a topic every reader could easily be suckered into.

I would like to know what's happening to other people at this time. Have other people seen the spacecraft? Are people afraid? Are there people outside holding signs celebrating the apocolypse? What do religious zealots have going on in their heads?

Basically, I'm left wanting more. More information, more description, more words. You did the hard part by coming up with a dilemma -- now you've got the fun part in front of you -- filling in the gaps and making your characters relatable to the reader.

Hope this helps!!
Kelly