The Ballad of Brendan O'Hoolahan revision for May 8th

Shabeg Singh Sekhon
The Ballad of Brendan O’Hoolahan
Morning:
The time was 6:45 am and Brendan O’Hoolahan was lying in his bed while his alarm clock had been ringing for twenty minutes. When he set the clock that night he had forgotten to check the volume and it resulted in a silent alarm in which the volume was set at zero. He was lying on his stomach with his face pressed into his pillow. His right eye was the only part of his face that was free from a pillow cover and it opened slightly to check the time. Upon seeing that it was 6:45, Brendan jerked out of bed in a frenzy to get into the shower. He was starting his day twenty minutes late and he prayed to god he wouldn’t be late to school. He hopped into the shower and turned it on. The water pressure burst and quickly struck his body. He realized then however, that his boxers were still on and his Star Wars T-Shirt was getting soaked in the shower. He tried to take his clothes off quickly but he fell in the shower and hurt his back in the process.
After his shower Brendan rushed into his closet and quickly put his uniform on. In his haste his tie was crooked and his blazer had one half of its collar up straight while the other was down making him look like a total doofas. His white shirt wasn’t ironed and also wasn’t completely tucked in. His khaki pants were not so khaki, and the sneakers he put on were by no means the regulation footwear required of him to wear by his school. His hair was incredibly high and bushy on his left side and he didn’t have a comb to take care of it. He ran out of toothpaste that day so he put his toothbrush in the scope bottle and scrubbed his mouth for ten seconds before he spit and drank some water.
After he was dressed Brendan ran to the kitchen to grab a nutrigrain bar from his pantry. But when he opened the package there were none left and he realized that he had given away the last bar to a vagabond dog last night that showed up wet and tired on his front lawn. With no time to prepare anything, Brendan mixed half a glass of water with some 2% milk and chugged it on his walk to the drive way.
When he put his car key inside to unlock his car the key would not fit at first. He tried to jiggle it a little bit but nothing was sliding inside. During his struggle his neighbor from down the street, Mr. Mcgillicuddy, was walking with his wife and they passed his driveway. Mr. Mcgillicuddy was not a very happy man and loved to share his unhappiness with the rest of the world by deriding any individual he could in any opportunity in any given day. He saw Brendan struggling with the key on his car door and a smirk grew on his miserable, wrinkled face.
“What’s the matter Hoolahan? You’re having problems with that car like you have problems with women. You don’t know how to stick it in the hole.” After his joke Mr. Mcgillicuddy guffawed while his wife rolled her eyes in disgust. He stared into Brendan’s eyes while he laughed and Brendan smiled a little bit to oblige him. After five arduous minutes Brendan finally got his key to work and opened his door quickly. He threw his backpack in the passenger seat and stabbed at the key hole to hurry and get to school. But the key hole to the transmission gave him the same guff that his car door gave him and he chuckled while he said, “What are the chances,” to himself.
When the car finally decided to start Brendan gently pushed the pedal and went the speed limit the entire way to school. It would take him fifteen minutes, and he would arrive twenty five minutes late. When he parked his car Brendan reminded himself to do only one thing tonight. That one thing was to turn the volume up on his alarm clock tonight.

Home Economics
Brendan ran into the halls of his school like he was running in the 100 meter dash. His tie was behind him and his back pack swayed violently back and forth across his back as he made a dash to get to his first class. When he approached the door he stopped and tried to fix himself up before he walked in. He patted his hair and straightened his tie but he still looked as if he had been making out with Sheila, the 6 foot 4 varsity volleyball player that had a crush on him and almost every day physically assaulted him like that creepy skunk in those acme cartoons. He opened the door normally and planned his entrance in a manner where he would just walk in and take his seat in one fluid uninterrupted motion. But when he opened the door twenty pairs of eyes simultaneously darted into his own and he lost himself in the gaze of the classroom. The instructor of the course, Sgt. Williamson, stopped his lecture in the middle of his sentence and glared at Brendan as he rustled into his seat.
Sgt. Williamson was once in the United States army serving as a Green Beret. He served five tours of duty in Vietnam, Hanoi, Thailand, the Philippines, and Norway. He has been shot seven times and has a record in his unit with most kills by the snap of the neck. It was during a mission in Hanoi that would end the Sergeants military career. The details of what occurred are classified and are by word of mouth, utterly embarrassing. Now the Sergeant is no longer with the service and serves as the varsity football coach for Brendan’s High School and teaches Home Economics. When Brendan was seated Sgt. Williamson continued to stare into the young man’s eyes. He marched with perfect posture towards Brendan’s desk. As he was walking Brendan’s face slowly went from straight to straight up looking up into the face of the Sergeant. Sgt. Williamson continued to stare, until he said,
“Mr. O’Hoolahan, Do you want to explain to me and everyone in this classroom why you made me stop my lesson when your pudgy face walked in through that door?” Brendan smiled a little bit,
“Well, I’m really sorry sir but my alarm clock wasn’t loud enough to wake me up this morning and I had to make sure my da-“
“I HAVE TO START THE LESSON OVER YOU PUDGY FACED APPLEJOHN, BECAUSE TODAY WE ARE LEARNING HOW TO PROPERLY ASSEMBLE AND DISSASEMBLE A KITCHEN STOVE! AND IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOUR BUMBLING AND STUMBLING, WE WOULD BE ASSEMBLING AND DISSASSEMBLING! BUT NOW I HAVE TO STOP AND TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT!” He paused for a second to catch his breath and started the class on their assignment while he motioned for Brendan to come to the front of the classroom. He showed Brendan the lesson one time and one time only and proceeded to watch him make mistakes. Whenever Brendan mishandled an item or when he didn’t do a motion correctly, Sergeant Williamson would yell in his ear in front of everybody else until Brendan finished the task with haste and fear. When he was finished with the stove, Sgt. Williamson called him to his desk and whispered into his ear.
“Listen Hoolahan, if you show up late to my class again in the morning, I will rip off your head and shit down your neck. Do you understand me?
“Yes sir, it won’t happen again.”
“Yeah… I know.” After he said that Sgt. Williamson told Brendan to get out of his classroom with a motion of his finger and Brendan quickly grabbed his things and proceeded to get the hell out of there. His heart was pounding like a drum set as he closed the classroom door and as he left he reminded himself to do one thing tonight. That one thing was to turn the volume up on his alarm clock.

English
When Brendan walked into his English class, he, like every other boy in the classroom, went straight for the back row. But as he reached the row there were no seats left and he was reduced to having to sit in the front of the classroom.
Every boy hated having to sit in the front of the classroom for fear of dealing with man-hating rants from Ms. Wallace.
Ms. Wallace was once an aspiring writer after she graduated from Wellesley University. She earned Suma Cum Laude and won numerous young fiction awards. But one year as she was traveling along the coast of France, she met a man and quickly fell in love with him. They spent the whole year together, dancing at pristine dance clubs, eating at fancy restaurants, and living in a villa that overlooked the sunsets of France. After living together for a year, the two of them decided to get married. While engaged they shared everything, bank accounts, credit scores, and other personal information. But one day as Ms. Wallace returned home, she found her home was completely emptied. She tried calling her fiancé but could never get in touch with him. She found out two weeks later that she had been the victim of a conman and that he took everything from her and that their love was nothing more than a façade the entire time. After this, Ms. Wallace had an emotional breakdown that she has yet to recover from, and has now been reduced to teaching sophomore English to students like Brendan who can never seem to understand the material.
Brendan sat in the front row next to Kathy Bozarth, Cheryl Pilapuke, and Heather McNamara, the three smartest girls in the class and Ms. Wallace’s favorite students. When everyone had settled down Ms. Wallace walked into the classroom with a folder full of the poetry tests the students took last week. She didn’t say a word as she put her jacket behind her chair and opened the folder to grab the tests. She went around the room quietly and gracefully, folding each test before she handed it to a student. Brendan looked behind him and looked at all the guys’ faces as they looked at their tests. Some groaned, one boy almost broke into tears and some others looked indifferent considering that they were boys taking a poetry test about love from a woman who doesn’t believe men know the meaning of the word. Ms. Wallace finally approached the front row, handing out the tests to the girls with a smile on her face and whispering good things to them as she openly displayed their test scores on the right hand side to everyone as she handed them back. When she approached Brendan, he smiled at her with an innocent grin. She didn’t buy it and her face clenched shut as she folded the test to Brendan. He grabbed the paper and immediately shot his eyes to the right hand side of the first page only to see a dark red “D” bleeding through his test. His smile didn’t dim however, and he just looked through his test thankful that he didn’t receive an “F.” Upon seeing that Brendan was unfazed by his test score, Ms. Wallace wrote all the scores on the white board and began her lecture about the test.
“Okay women and boys, I just wanted to congratulate Kathy, Cheryl, and Heather for receiving the highest grades on the test, again. I am however, a little displeased with some of you who did not do so well.” her eyes darted at Brendan and remained there long enough for people to realize that he was the example of someone who ‘did not do so well.’ He looked through his test one more time and asked Kathy what she wrote for question 4.
“Hey, Kathy”
“What do you want Brendan?”
“What did you write for question 4?”
“I wrote that the budding flower was the symbol of beauty and love”
“Yeah well, so did I and I only got 2 points, how many did you get”
“15”
“But the question was only worth 10”
“Well, she wrote ‘exceptionally good’ on the side and gave me five extra points”
“What?”
“Excuse me, Ms. Wallace?” Ms. Wallace turned her head slowly and looked over at Brendan to hear his question.
“What do you want Brendan?”
“Um, I was just looking through my test and I wrote about the budding flower and everything for question 4 and still only got 2 points. I’m not asking for you to change my grade, I just want to know what I have to write next time for the final.” Ms. Wallace’s face was cold and intimidating as she responded,
“Well, Brendan, I didn’t believe you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Sure, what you wrote was correct, but did you believe it? Did you really feel the beauty in that poem like Kathy, or Heather did?
“Uh, yeah I think so.”
“No you didn’t you ignorant guttersnipe!!! I know how you think, I know how all you boys think, you don’t know what beauty is, you will never know. The only thing you wretched men know is how to take advantage of women’s hearts and destroy their chances of ever falling in love again!!!!” Brendan’s face twitched as his expression turned from the curiosity of asking a question to the expression of sheer horror as he looked into the livid eyes of Ms. Wallace’s. The whole room was silent; everyone stared at Ms. Wallace until she broke the silence and continued with her lecture about poetry.

Break
When the bell rang for break all of the boys, including Brendan, made a dash for the door. Once outside the realm of Ms. Wallace the boys felt free to be themselves again. Brendan walked to his locker only to find Sheila waiting there.
“Hey yo Brendan, who you takin to Winter Ball?”
“Um, I don’t know Sheila I haven’t really thought about it, I mean I have to work and someone’s gotta watch my dad so I don’t think I can g-“
“Well your supple little white ass is taking me, you got it!?” Brendan knew better than to upset the beast.
“Absolutely, Sheila, one hundred percent”
“You god damn right absolutely, and you better be working overtime at that job til then cause we goin to Ronda’s Steakhouse, you know Momma has got to eat right before she gets her groove on with her man, yeeaaaahhhhh” As she said this she started grinding next to Brendan and he started dancing a little too only to please her enough so that she would finally leave him alone for the rest of the day. As he danced, people were watching him and pointed their fingers at him. Some kids smirked as they walked by, others pointed and laughed, and some other boys didn’t say anything for fear of Sheila’s wrath.

History
When Break was over Brendan headed for his history class with Dr. Richards. Dr. Richards is a quiet man who demands nothing more than perfection from his students. When he grades student’s tests he has a sheet of what he wants and if everything is not mentioned, that student doesn’t get any points. Everyone caught on to this regimen, that is, everyone except for Brendan. Brendan did try hard however, he studied for history everyday and tried to get everything right but he always missed one thing and Dr. Richards would screw him for it. Brendan was failing history, but he loved the subject so much he didn’t care. And Dr. Richards hated him for that. He hated Brendan so much, he made it a point every night to look through the student’s assigned readings for the next day and find some minuscule detail he could ask Brendan. During his lecture that afternoon, Dr. Richards went around the classroom until he found his bitch.
“Mr. O’Hoolahan” Brendan sighed and answered
“Yes sir,”
“Could you tell me and the class who Scipio Africanus’s father was and what he used to get across the Laeturna River?”
“Uh, ummmmm, eh, I think his dad’s name i-“
“Just say you don’t know Brendan”
“I don’t know sir”
“Well that’s too bad isn’t it, Brendan, that’s too bad” Dr. Richards smirked as he turned his head back to face the chalk board and continue his lecture.

Latin
After being embarrassed in history, Brendan trudged over to Latin. In Latin that day they went over vocabulary, Brendan tried his best to say the words correctly but he had a quirk in his speech and every time he tried to speak Latin it sounded as if someone with a lisp was yelling. It made everyone laugh in the classroom when it was his turn and he was more than happy to oblige them. But the teacher, Ms. Batarseh, fumed every time he spoke because she felt as though he was bastardizing the language she spent over twenty five years of her life mastering and understanding. At the end of his turn, Ms. Batarseh never called on him again for the rest of the day.

Math
After Latin, Brendan went to his last class of the day, Math. They were going over geometry and Brendan for the life of him could never pick up how to do the formulas. The teacher, Mr. Dent, grew tired of Brendan because every day after class Brendan would approach him in an attempt to understand the material. Mr. Dent hated his job as a math teacher, and the last thing he wanted to do today was stay in school for an extra fifteen minutes helping Brendan who in his mind is and always will be, ‘a lost cause.’ After class Brendan approached Mr. Dent as usual and before he could say anything Mr. Dent interrupted his first word and blurted out
“Let me guess what you’re going to say Brendan,” then, in a childish mocking voice Mr. Dent said
“Mr. Dent, could you help me with the material we just covered in class oh, I don’t know, fifteen minutes ago, hmm, please Mr. Dent.”
“Yes sir that is kind of what I was going to say, I mean I really want to learn this stuff it’s just that I can’t for the life of me figure out how to start the problem.”
“Oh well there you go Chief, how can you fix it if you don’t even know where to begin?”
“Well, c..could you help me?”
“You know what I want to do Brendan. I want to go home right now, take a nice long bath, maybe listen to some Kenny G records, make a good meal, and just relax tonight. Does helping you figure into that equation?”
“Well, no sir it does not.”
“Exactly, Brendan, exactly, now get the fuck out of here.” Wasting no time Brendan grabbed his back pack and left the classroom.

Work
After school Brendan hurried over to get to work. The school day ends at 3:10 pm and his boss, Leroy, over at “Leroy the Grizzly Bear’s Pizza Cave” expects him to be at work at 3:30 pm. On his way to work though he saw a car with a flat tire pulled over on the side of one of the main roads. Outside of the car was an old woman holding a baby. Brendan pulled over next to the woman and offered to help her. He used his jack and also gave her his spare tire because she didn’t have one. The woman offered to give him money but Brendan refused and smiled at her as he closed her driver’s side door and saw her go back to her business.
After she was out of sight Brendan looked at his watch and saw that the time was 4:05 pm. Leroy was going to kick his ass so he hauled over to work expecting the worst. When he pulled in he tried to sneak inside the restaurant and into the clothing room but as soon as he was about to close the door to the clothing room he heard a loud voice
“Hoolahan!! Get your late ass in my office!” Brendan dragged his feet inside Leroy’s office and as he sat down Leroy said
“Well surprise surprise my very eyes, look who decided to show up to work today one hour late.”
“I’m really sorry sir, I tried to get here on time but there was an old lady who was stranded and no one was helping her so I p-“
“I don’t give a damn if Mother Teresa herself was drowning in a pool and the only person who could jump in and save her is you. If its past 3:30, you ain’t jumpin in that pool, you got it?”
“She had her Granddaughter with her s-“
“When people come in to “Leroy the Grizzly Bear’s Pizza Cave,” who do you think they want to see?”
“Leroy the Grizzly Bear.”
“Oh well, well, now how can they see Leroy, if Leroy ain’t here at 3:30?”
“They can’t.”
“Exactamundo!” Now I don’t want you showing up late again you hear. I know you need this job more than I need you. Get out of my office.”
Brendan left Leroy’s office and put his costume on. He wore the Leroy grizzly bear outfit and walked around the restaurant taking pictures with kids and making balloon animals for people at parties. Today he got puked on three times and seven children attacked him with balls from the ballroom. Leroy also made him work two hours extra as penance for him showing up late without overtime pay. After work Brendan took his costume off and got back into his car to go back home.

Home
Brendan reached home at 10:30 pm. He opened the door to his house with his back pack, the mail, and the Leroy grizzly bear outfit he had to clean for tomorrow. He threw his back pack on the kitchen table, put the outfit on the floor and started going through the mail. First he looked at the electric bill, the water bill, and then the disability services bill he had to pay for the support for his father. After looking at these he tossed them back on the table. He went into his room and changed his clothes. He put on a one piece pajama outfit his mother made for him before she died two years ago. He went into his father’s room and found his father right where he left him this morning, sitting in his wheelchair looking out the window.
Brendan’s father, Bradley O’Hoolahan, is suffering from a stroke he had early last year. For four months he was not able to speak and he still cannot walk around the house without someone there to help him.
When Brendan approached him, Bradley turned his wheelchair and looked over at him. A great smile grew on the man’s face. He motioned for his son to come near him and with all of his strength he kissed Brendan on his cheek and in his muffled voice he struggled to say
“Here is my boy”
“Hey dad, sorry I’m late, Leroy made me stay two hours because I was late for work.”
“Why were you late for work?”
“I helped a woman change her tire and I had to give her the Cadillac’s because she didn’t have a spare.”
“That was a good thing you did.”
“Yeah, thanks dad.” Brendan went back down stairs and prepared dinner. He tried to make it quick because his Father had not had anything to eat since Dorothy the nurse was there to feed him lunch. After dinner Brendan tucked his father into his bed. He brought him a glass of water and gave him the bell he uses to call Brendan in case he needs anything. While he was tucking his father in bed his father asked
“How was your day today?” Brendan reflected on his day and looked at his father. His face was filled with joy and gladness. Brendan didn’t want to ruin it and said
“Dad, today was great, today was great.”
“That makes me glad boy, you only deserve good things Brendan, you’re a good son to me, and you’re a good man. People will see that one day.”
“Thanks dad, good night.” Brendan kissed his father on his forehead and walked towards the door. He turned the light off and closed his father’s door gently.
He went downstairs and started on his homework. It was midnight and he was exhausted. After an hour he decided to call it quits and went to bed. When he got into his sheets he remembered he had to do something, but he had forgotten what it was. He checked the time on his alarm clock to make sure it was set for 6:25 am and went to sleep. He did not however, remember to check the volume, and before he knew it he was fast asleep, resting for another day.