Critical Response to Danielle Orner's "What He Did To Me"

I’d like to start off by saying that this story surprised me in a lot of ways. Firstly, I only knew Danielle as the girl who’s always maintained a positive attitude and is always smiling. Secondly, this story managed to actually turn my stomach and engage me as I tried to figure out what exactly was going on in it. Looking back on the past semester and rereading the other great stories in the class, this story is still one of the better ones produced.
As far as hot-spots in the story goes, there are many and they usually come in succession; something which keeps the reader interested in the story’s resolution. Though the narrator’s articulation of her lack of desire “for full cartons of double fudge ice cream… or urges to spend the afternoon sobbing” are some clichés which pop up in stories about heartache, they are used in a way which satirizes them and the genre (heartache fiction). The big image and metaphor in the story – a literally broken heart – is especially effective in that it quickly draws the reader in. The visceral and intense descriptions of the pieces of her heart scattered over the bedroom and the wound where her heart had burst from is a great contrast to the objective, almost scientific, voice of the narrator; signaling that she is numbed because of the breakup. Also, the scene where the narrator is on the subway on her way to the hospital is great in its description of her trying to cover her wound and keep a hand on the pieces of her heart in her purse. I say this because it’s a relatable experience for the reader. Many people try to hug themselves to keep their selves together, to keep people from noticing how affected you are by the painful events in your life.
The story, though I thoroughly enjoyed it, could be improved by just minor inclusions or exclusions and structure. The end of the first paragraph, where the narrator describes her lack of feeling, could have a stronger image than “spend the afternoon sobbing over coke advertisements in my pajamas.” And some of the images used to describe her broken heart could be just reordered so that they read smoother. One of the main things I would have to say about the story is that the first line is not one that immediately draws me into the story. The first line of the story which could be considered could be this: “With slow realization, I moved one hand to my chest and felt a tear in my nightgown below the curve of my left breast. Tenderly working my fingers beneath it, I traced the edges of a gaping hole between my ribs. My fingertips came away stained with red.” This line is one that grabs the reader by the scruff of the shirt and makes them have to take notice of the story. The scene which could be cut, at least the one which I feel doesn’t fit or work affectively, is the one where the narrator is being stitched up by the nurse. The details just do not seem to match up with the character of the nurse; the nurse’s character basically needs to be fleshed out or cut entirely. The last thing I would consider changing would be the ending. I only say this because the character of the narrator has no real arc in the course of the story and keeps her objective voice throughout it. To create this, one might consider having her feelings come rushing back at the end after her heart is mended and replaced.
This was a true pleasure to read and I hope that I will be able to see the final draft of it.