How To Travel; In Specific

Outside the Country:

First, decide to make your summer vacation one you will remember. This will take some planning. Ask your boss if you can pick up some extra hours and pester your co-workers if you can take some of their shifts; this summer will also require a good deal of money. Make a budget. Check the internet for ticket prices to get a ballpark for cost, factor in emergency expenses for the unavoidable and unforeseeable, think about where you can stay for anywhere from one night to three days, make sure you bring enough for souvenirs. Look at the trivial things you throw money away on and exclude them from your budget so to trim the fat off the total cost of travel expenses. When your ex-girlfriend points out that both of you are planning to travel this summer, ask her where and why. She will tell you that she is accompanying her father on a business trip to Germany and will be there for three weeks. She will propose that you come with them. At this, you should feel both anxiety at spending an extended period of time with your ex-lover and her stone-faced mathematician father and giddy at the notion of not having to spend upwards of a thousand dollars on room, board, and food. Your parents will be wholeheartedly behind the idea and even offer to pay for some of your expenses. However, this is not out of the goodness of their hearts, it is only so you do not mooch off of your soon-to-be travel companions; they will tell you this.

Two months before you travel make sure to break your promise to yourself to not spend money unwisely. If there’s a party one weekend offer to buy people beers or throw twenty to thirty dollars down on drugs. Maybe do both. This is all so you can have days where you do not sleep. Between going to school full time, your job, homework, family strife, and losing your mind you won’t have much time for that sleep stuff. Don’t worry, though. This period of time is so you can fully appreciate your break.

The day of your flight, make sure you are thoroughly hungover from the previous night’s party. This will make the twelve hour flight go much faster. And so will the sleeping pills you will buy in your terminal’s kiosk. You will have arrived too early for your flight and in the terminal set up a miniature campsite. Have greasy, transparent McDonald’s breakfast sandwich wrappers strewn out in a crescent around your laptop on the floor next to the wall outlet. You won’t want to talk to anyone; your nicotine cravings, by now, will be driving you mad. Keep your massive DJ headphones glued to your head at all times, the constant soundtrack of fusion bebop and Bob Dylan will keep you from killing everyone in terminals C through F. On the plane, make sure you hit a few people with your backpack and computer case; especially if they’re in first class. Settle into your seat next to the metrosexual guy who looks like every Los Angeles cliché rolled into one and avoid small talk; again, keep those headphones on at all costs. After you feign attentiveness at the standard safety and emergency evacuation procedures, reach between your legs into your bag and take out your box of sleeping pills. Put your oversized sunglasses on, chase your sleeping pills down with your water bottle filled with watermelon vodka (leftovers from last night), ignore the half-disgusted expression on Mr. LA’s face as he gets a whiff of your drink, and wait to wake up in London; where you will transfer onto another plane to Bonn, Germany.


“The weather reports for Bonn, Germany expect showers and high winds which may delay your travel.”
As you exit the plane, make sure to steal a couple airplane-standard blankets and pillows, curse the calm, steady British female voice coming over the intercom under your breath, and glare at the monitors displaying the weather forecast from behind your sunglasses. Thank GOD that the British don’t give a shit if you smoke in their airport and smoke half a pack of cigarettes in the smoking section. Find your terminal and make note of how fast you can get there if you run, you will want to stay in the smoking section listening to music and eavesdropping on the conversations conducted between long drags from even longer Dunhill cigarettes. When it is time to board your next plane, repeat the same process you performed when you boarded your first plane sans the sleeping pills; alcohol is free on this next flight. When you arrive in Germany, stumble over yourself as you get your bags and try to play it off as though you have a limp; the other passengers might pity you instead of thinking you’re some stupid drunk American kid. Wander around the airport for a while as you wait for your checked luggage to get taken off the plane. Sit down in the smoking section again and brush up on your German. If all broken English and body language fails just say “ich spracht nicht deuch”, people should leave you alone at this utterance.

For the next three weeks try to be as cordial and unconfrontational as possible to your ex, her father, and every German person you meet. You will get the impression quickly that German people have the potential to be smiling and helping you out as they dig a chunk out of your leg with a switchblade. Make sure you bring your I-pod with you everywhere, it will keep the drunks in the town squares from talking to you too much. Make sure to get drunk every night and have at least three nights where you nearly end up in your ex’s bed. This is important because it will keep the tension high and your need to get high just as imperative. Get caught smoking after the first week by her father. Tell him you haven’t touched cigarettes until you got to Europe, which is a lie, and implore him not to tell his mother and father. He says he won’t but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you are smacked instead of hugged by your mother when you return home.

On your return flight, it is wash-rinse-repeat. Do everything outlined here and smoke two packs in between Germany and the US instead of just one. Be prepared to go back to work immediately because you won’t have any money left and you, in fact, now owe money. You will have to spend the rest of your summer paying back your ex and her father for feeding you when you ran out of Euros two weeks into the trip. It will be worth it in the end, though. And if anything you can blame the rest of your wasted summer on Europe and their exchange rate.

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Station to Station:

When you are sick of sitting in front of the computer, walking the dogs, being pestered by your family about how you never take out the trash, or generally need a change of scenery or pace, take a drive. Pick up your friend and go to the local diner, one of the few remaining outposts where you can still smoke indoors. Talk back and forth about how boring it is in New Jersey. How there’s never anything to do and even less women to do; you should want to change your situation. Your ex-girlfriend is going to school in New York and you mention this to your friend in passing. Now, the conversation could go in two possible ways: either you both continue the conversation, just complaining, or you can “get off the pot” and call your ex up. Ask what she’s doing. It’s a Friday night and she, too, has nothing to do. Ask if you and your friend can come up and crash on her floor for the night. If she is apprehensive about the idea, drop hints that you will be bringing drugs with you. She won’t be, though. She left for college nine months ago and she will say that she misses you and would love so see the both of you.Your train leaves in an hour and a half. The drugs will only take an hour to round up and it is fifteen minutes drive to the train station. After three phone calls, two drug deals, one stop at Rite Aid, four cigarettes, and six minutes trying to find a parking spot, you and your friend will make a mad dash to make the 9:27 train to New York City.

Don’t make eye contact with anyone and take a seat near the back of the car. In your bag you should have the following: a half ounce of mushrooms (for fun), an eighth ounce of marijuana (for balance), one bottle of gin (for bribery),one flask of whiskey (for warmth), two bags of pills (one containing amphetamines, the other pharmaceutical-grade, over-the-counter downers), your I-pod (for a soundtrack), and fifty dollars. Make small talk with your friend and gaze out the window in between swigs from the flask. If anyone else in the car looks you over try to fake a shiver and sink into your thick winter coat. Call your ex when you pass the Elizabeth station and ask her which subways to take to get to her place. The directions will be straightforward enough: take the number 4 train downtown bound to 72nd and transfer to the number 6 going uptown to 52nd street. Navigate Penn Station so you don’t get on the LIRR and end up in some Guinea neighborhood where you’re liable to get more shot full of holes than if you walked through your old Black neighborhood of Brooklyn wearing a shirt with “Hang Niggers” written across the back.

Hannah will meet you at the top of the steps at the 52nd street subway station and walk you back to her dormitory room. Ask her how she’s been and whether or not she knew if any of her college friends would want to hang out. She will tell you that she has been good but bored. And, no, that all the parties had already started and that her dorm is essentially vacant. Once in her room, open your bag and show her the things you brought with you. She will want to eat the mushrooms and smoke the marijuana. Explain to her what will happen to her while she is on them and let her know that both you and your friend will take care of her. Each of you will eat three quarters of the half ounce and she will lead you up to the roof to smoke. She assures you that the police and the campus security will not catch you. As you get halfway through your joint, you will begin to feel the first wave of the hallucinogen take hold of you. Try to keep your wits about you, there will be three more of these throughout the course of the night.

After this you should climb back down from the roof, gather some money and your scarves, and begin walking the streets. Watch out for Hannah, she will be unsure of herself under the influence of the new drugs. Tell her to relax, that the “breathing” buildings and swaying ground are normal, that no one is staring at any of you, and to enjoy the feeling. Your individual trips will wear off as you make the three mile walk back from no place in particular. Stop in at a 24 hour Japanese soba noodle bar and eat some soup before you get back to her room. Under the table, pass each of them a pill of Aderrall. Each of you will take them and chase them with the tall, sweet Japanese beers and finish eating. Let Hannah take you both on a tour of the neighboring college afterwards, and finish your night by watching reruns of [adult swim] in the lounge until five in the morning. Pass out in the lounge and ignore the women walking by casting suspicious, sidelong stares at the three of you.

When you wake up at 10:00, realize that you have to be back home in time for work at 2:00. Shake your companions and tell them that you have to leave. Thank Hannah for her hospitality and leave the gin on her desk as a parting gift as she sleeps in her bed. Gather your things and, through the lingering haze of drugs and alcohol, navigate your way through the streets and subways, half-dragging your friend along, until you get to Penn Station again. Find the first seats available on the 12:45 train back to New Jersey and collapse in them. Pass out, you will need the sleep. You will be heading back to be on your feet for eight hours at the video store. Get off the train at your stop and find your car. After a quick and silent car ride, divide what is leftover from the night, drop your friend off and take yourself back home. Take a bird-bath in the bathroom. Only wash your face, armpits, and hands. Brush your teeth and hair and throw on your work uniform of just a blue polo shirt. Do only the bare minimum, you do not have time to be perfect. Before walking out the door and back into the car, which you should have left running in the broken gravel driveway so to save time, pop another tablet of speed to ward off the impending hangover. Speed through two stop signs and still get to work fifteen minutes late. It is Saturday and it is busy. After checking out five customers reach into your back pocket and look at your pack of cigarettes. You should only have three. Look at the clock and see that you still have seven and a half hours left. At this point, your hangover should be in full effect.

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By Car:

First, check your wallet to see how much money you have. Check the time. Try to remember whether or not you have more than half a tank of gas in the car. If you have more than ten dollars in your wallet and more than half a tank, then grab your warmest coat and keys from the hooks downstairs by the door. Before you walk out, grab your CD case. Make sure that Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde, Coltrane’s Lush Life, and Simone’s Finest Hour are among them. Driving music is essential. Also, make sure you have your notebook with you. These late night drives always end at the same place. Pull out onto the streets and make your way slowly toward the convenience store in town. The police station is a block from your house and you only have your provisional license. This means that if you are caught driving after midnight your license gets cut up and suspended and your car gets towed. Keep the windows rolled down and the fans blasting heat so the car doesn’t smell like smoke when you return. You share the car with your father, who has quit smoking, and if it smells like cigarettes he will tell you in his slight Midwestern drawl, again, that “it doesn’t make it easier for me to stay quit.”

Stop by WaWa and pick up a fresh pack of Marlboros. Then, head towards Interstate 1 and take the exit south towards Trenton. Avoid the jughandles near the Quaker Bridge Mall and Mercer Mall. You often get turned around in that area and tonight you do not have enough gas to afford that kind of mistake. Slow down as you approach the large yellow and orange hexagonal sign that reads “Denny’s”. Park your car where you can see it from the smoking section window. When you walk in say hello to Dielia, your next door neighbor. Ask for a table for one, smoking. She will set down a menu in front of you just in case that tonight you will order more than just coffee and water; though this almost never happens. You should thank her like always as she comes back again with the brimming cup of hot coffee and creamer.

Pull your cigarettes from you jacket pocket, place one between your lips, and light it. Close your eyes. Listen to Simone’s sultry cover of Lady Day’s “Summertime” echo in your mind. Exhale. Sip your coffee. Take another drag. Set your cigarette in the ashtray and push your coffee mug aside as you place your notebook in front of you. Take your pen from your pants pocket and put it to the paper.

If you have had an eventful day, one filled with friends and work and you haven’t had much time to think, then nothing will come from this exercise. If you have been alone for most of the day, idling and reading, napping and eating, then a story or a piece of a poem, random images, colors, will spill onto the page. You have had the latter. You will pause before you start, picking up your cigarette again and dragging deeply on it. Sip your coffee as you exhale again. Consider everything you have done in this year. The drugs. The sex and lack thereof. The murky nights of drinking. The things and places you’ve seen and done. Begin to write. Write from your experiences though this will only produce bland and half-true recollections that make no sense to anyone else except you. Then write outside of your experience. Make it all up. Dream of the romantic lives you wish you could have and put it down on paper. Try to capture the nonsense mucking up your mind and express it. Create for yourself a world that you can live in for those few lines of fiction or poetry, one that is dynamic and different and nothing like the world you experience. It is all you can do to feel sane, make yourself feel like you aren’t wasting time.

In three hours, leave Dielia the remainder of your money for the bill and the tip. Get in your car and take the unlit backroads to get back home. Avoid the main drag and pull into the drive quietly. Smoke one last cigarette on the back steps and quietly creep up the stairs to your room. Peel off your shoes, jeans, and jacket and leave them in a clump on the floor. Bend down to lay in your bed on the floor and climb under the sheets. Try to sleep. Close your eyes. Try to focus on the story you wrote earlier; the one about a snowstorm in a desert. Try to transport yourself, your mind, there. To that place. Try to imagine and convince yourself that your waking life is the dream, and that the world on the page is your reality.





~Alexander Johnson