Shabeg Singh Sekhon
Labors of Love
In Ancient times, there was a man walking on a cliff along the coast. He did not choose to be there rather he found himself there that morning staring into the sun out of the entrance of a cave. As he was walking along this cliff he tried to figure out the situation he had become involved with but as he was walking he noticed a bright glow in a crevice by the canyon. He walked into the trail until he reached a dead end and he saw a large red orb with what looked to be the beginnings of a child inside. Its eyes were still closed and it looked as if it was warm and asleep. When the man approached the orb a voice boomed around him and asked him what his intentions were with the child. He responded by asking first who’s care the child was under and the answer he received was more than disheartening. The voice around him told him it was no one’s and that as soon as it would be born it would walk to the edge of the cliff and die like the others before it. The man, terrified from this asked what could be done to save the child and the voice, in a whisper told him what was necessary.
For two months before the child was born the man never stopped working. He made continual trips to the town and worked as many jobs he could to gather supplies. But on one fateful morning, as the man watched the orb the child came out. She looked beautiful to him with healthy skin and bright brown eyes. Her head had a dirty patch of black hair and her little limbs took her a while to get used to. But once she came to her own senses she walked toward the edge of the canyon. The man, as she was walking got her attention with a plate of food and stopped her motion. She looked up at him and let him take her into his arms so that he could feed her. Once she was done eating she tried to walk again to the edge but the man showed her a blanket and she once again let him take her and put her to sleep. It never ended with the man and his labors. Every day people only saw flashes of him here and there gathering things and selling them to get other things until one day one of the townsmen stopped him and asked him why he did so many tedious and troublesome things. Upon hearing this, the man peered into the townsmen’s eyes and said
“Until the child is not completely helpless, I must help her.” And after saying this he pulled his large bag of items over his back and walked the two miles back to the canyon to care for his daughter.
3 comments:
Your story is a intrigueing and heartbreaking fable about the act of parenting as a constent fight against death or harm coming to the child. To make it even more interesting for the reader try and dramatize more momments rather than just explaining them. For example, put the conversation between the man and the orb in dialog format. Also, let the girl speak and change and maybe let her almost reach the edge a few times. In other words, the story is beautiful but you can zoom in for some close up details and moments to make the reader more attached to the man and his daughter. Good work!
[see my comments in brackets below – Tony]
Shabeg Singh Sekhon
Labors of Love
In Ancient [no need to capitalize] times, there was a man walking on a cliff along the coast. He did not choose to be there [need a ; or it is a run-on sentence] rather he found himself there that morning staring into the sun out of the entrance of a cave [something off about the structure of this sentence. But he did not choose to be there; rather... and what follows should be in contrast to choice, but it’s not]. As he was walking along this cliff he tried to figure out the situation he had become involved with but as he was walking he noticed a bright glow in a crevice by the canyon [again, I’m having problems with the structure of the sentence. The “but” suggests that what follows will be in contrast to his figuring out the situation, but instead it’s a new thought, that he sees a bright glow]. He walked into the trail until he reached a dead end and he saw a large red orb with what looked to be the beginnings of a child inside [I think you should describe the embryonic child inside the orb with more detail. This is a key element in the story, and we need to see it clearly]. Its eyes were still closed and it looked as if it was warm and asleep. When the man approached the orb a voice boomed around him and asked him what his intentions were with the child [I would use regular dialogue for the scene, instead of paraphrasing the dialogue]. He responded by asking first who’s care the child was under and the answer he received was more than disheartening. The voice around him told him it was no one’s and that as soon as it would [was] be born it would walk to the edge of the cliff and die like the others before it. The man, terrified from this asked what could be done to save the child and the voice, in a whisper told him what was necessary.
For two months before the child was born the man never stopped working. He made continual trips to the town and worked as many jobs he could to gather supplies. But on one fateful morning, as the man watched the orb the child came out. She looked beautiful to him with healthy skin and bright brown eyes. Her head had a dirty patch of black hair and her little limbs took her a while to get used to. But once she came to her own senses she walked toward the edge of the canyon. The man, as she was walking got her attention with a plate of food and stopped her motion. She looked up at him and let him take her into his arms so that he could feed her. Once she was done eating she tried to walk again to the edge but the man showed her a blanket and she once again let him take her and put her to sleep. It never ended with the man and his labors. Every day people only saw flashes of him here and there gathering things and selling them to get other things until one day one of the townsmen stopped him and asked him why he did so many tedious and troublesome things. Upon hearing this, the man peered into the townsmen’s eyes and said
“Until the child is not completely helpless, I must help her.” And after saying this he pulled his large bag of items over his back and walked the two miles back to the canyon to care for his daughter. [I guess I feel that you need to make it clearer and how his work in the town directly affects his efforts on the part of the girl – is he so poor that he doesn’t even have a blanket or food? And then, larger problem, this is really just the beginning of the story. You’ve set up a situation, you’ve set up the dramatic conflict, or at least the beginning of a conflict, but haven’t brought it to climax, and haven’t explored the “why” of the situation. It’s attractive in its fairy tale approach, but it needs the full arc of a story. Best, Tony]
posted by Shabeg at 8:28 PM on Mar 26, 2007
This is quite an interesting story. I like this whacky concept. This story had some run on sentences and some grammatical issues that im sure another proofread would fix. I felt though the the female charcter of this story could have nee more chiseled. Show us her pain, intrigue or confusion. Good job otherwise. I love reading your stuff.
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