Why Sometimes it's Better Not to Take a Friend's Advice

Shabeg Singh Sekhon
Why Sometimes it’s Better Not to Take a Friend’s Advice

So you got a hot date huh, with who? Shellie!? Oh man how did you pull that? You know where you’re gonna go? No? Okay, listen.
Okay, so here’s what you gotta do, make plans to pick her up at 6:00 no wait, 6:15, and tell her that she has to be outside in no less than four minutes and thirty seven seconds after you first honk your horn. Oh, which reminds me, bring a stopwatch. So, back to what I was saying. When you park your car start the timer, keep one eye on the front door and you better be damn sure you have one eye on the watch, because if she can’t come down in time, she’s not worth it.
Now, assuming she makes the time limit and passes the checkpoint you make sure you never once compliment her on how hot she looks. In fact, tell her how much you dislike the colors she has on and tell her the different kind of outfit you would have liked to see her wear. If she tries to give an excuse or tries to act cute turn the radio up to drown her voice out and whatever happens, never smile.
Make sure you drive around the city at least twelve times before going to dinner. If she says anything, drop her trifling ass right back home because she’s not worth it. If she clears checkpoint two, take her to that shady Chinese restaurant with the “C” rating in between those two storage buildings. Wait what? She hates Chinese food? Perfect. When you guys get there make sure you look at her face the whole time, if she looks squeamish or concerned, take her trifling ass right back home because she’s not worth it. If she simply gets out of the car and holds your hand into the restaurant, she cleared checkpoint three.
Now in the restaurant, make sure you apologize to your waiter or waitress for how uncultured your date is and make her feel as if she were doing something wrong nearly all of the time. When you sit down, don’t pull her chair for her in fact, when you arrive to the doorway extend your arm across your body and cut her off to make her wait so that she has to walk behind you. When you sit down look at your napkin and complain that it is dirty and swap it with hers. Again, look at the reaction. When the waiter or waitress comes to take your drink order make sure you hesitate for a second and look at her and kind of nod your head to give her the go ahead to start first. When she opens her mouth cut her off and say she’ll be fine with the water but you’ll have a coke with lemon. After the waitress leaves tell her a dirty joke or a joke you know she’ll find offensive about Asian people, do um I don’t know an accent or some bullshit, do something! If she tries to start a conversation with you the only answer that should come out of your mouth is “Yep,” “Nope,” or “That’s what she said.” Again, look at her reaction. When it is time to order your food make sure you order for her the dish you know she will absolutely hate, and for you, chicken fried rice. And when the waiter or waitress starts to leave ask them for a refill only for your coke, make her nurse her water. When the food finally comes, periodically in between the conversation take some of her food and eat it in front of her in a way that will guarantee food staining your face. Make sure you keep that food on your face until she mentions for you to clean that shit up. When the bill comes with the fortune cookies take both of them and rip them apart and compare the fortunes, take the one you like best and give her the other one, but make sure you keep both of the cookies.
After she pays for the meal get back in your car and ask her if she wants to go get ice cream. If she says no, especially in an angry, frankly pissed off voice, take her trifling ass home because she’s not worth it. If she smiles and says sure, she cleared checkpoint four.
Now like before, drive around the town at least seven times before getting to the ice cream parlor. When you’re there, order the one scoop no-sugar added banana coconut sherbet for her, and for you order the king’s trough sundae which consists of eight scoops of ice cream, hot fudge, brownie bits, two kinds of other toppings and whipped cream. While you are eating moan as if it were the best morsel of food you have ever had in your entire life and never, and I mean never give her some, not even a shaving of whipped cream. When she is done with her ice cream make her wait for you to finish your entire sundae, no matter how long it takes. After you are done and barely breathing, give her your car keys and tell her she has to drive. If she winces when she grabs them, she’s not worth it, but if she takes the keys no questions asked, she cleared checkpoint five.
On the way home make sure it seems as if you are passed out in the passenger seat with chocolate all over your face. When you get to her house and the light in the car turns on, Wake up really suddenly as if you had no idea what the hell was going on. Wipe the drool off of your face and open the door. When you both close your doors walk with her to the front of your car and take your keys from her and open your driver side door. But before you get in though, watch her as she gets to her door. And before she turns the key to get inside, call out for her and see her reaction. If she just walks in and wants nothing more to do with you, she’s not worth it. But if she stops, takes her key out of the door and turns around to listen to you. Tell her one thing, say
“Shellie, I had a great time with you tonight and I really think you are a sweet and beautiful woman, would you like to go out with me next Friday night and see a movie?” If she says yes, if she honestly says yes to you, you better make damn sure you marry that woman.