She slides her hands beneath me, firmly placing them on my shoulder blades and pressing her mouth deeply into mine. I kiss back, feeling her tongue slide up and down in my mouth. She smiles slightly and bites my lower lip. I bite hers back. She smiles again, this time wider, wrapping her arms around me. Her soft breasts pressing against my chest and I hear the hair slide around against my skin.
“This doesn’t bother you?” I ask.
“The hair? she smiles”
“Yeah, the hair.”
“That’s a silly question.
I smile and kiss her. Her chest rises and falls. I hear a thin slit of air blow out between her lips. I breathe too and she giggles. She kisses me again and shifts her body off of me. Clumps of hair fall in her face in thick brown sheets. One of her hands slides down, across my underwear, while her other hand is pressed against my forehead. Her mouth slides across my ear, her tongue working in circles. I smile a bit. My heart pumps hard. And I feel the hairs on my neck stand up. “I love you she whispers.” I say it back, in the moment. The words hanging empty in the air With her foot, she slides off my underwear and places her hand on me. She kisses my chest, my neck and my arms, before sucking on my fingers.
“You mean it.” she says.
“Yes,” I say, wanting her to continue. She does. Running her mouth across my stomach, kissing my belly button, before bringing her mouth to my genitals. I smile a bit. Feeling her tongue work on me. She comes up, smiling and kisses me on the lips. “Good,” she says. I say nothing after that. Kissing her breasts, her stomach and her arms, before slipping my fingers inside her. She moans slightly bighting her lip. Her chest rises and falls, as my fingers slide inside of her. Moving up to her clitoris. We do not talk after that. I just breathe and listen to her moan. She does, loudly, before her hands slide to my temples, taking grasp of hair and she whispers, “fuck me.” I reach for a condom and slide it on. She lays on her back and spreads her legs. I place my self inside her and move back and forth. She monas slightly. With my other hand, I rub her clit. She moans again, louder. Between moans she asks,
“how much do you love me?”
“A lot,” I say, trying to keep my mind focused.
“Ooh. Good.” She says, smiling. I smile too, a little bit.
We switch positions after that. Her body grinds into mine. Her hands caught between the hairs of my chest and for a moment, I think I do love her. If I know what it is. Everything feels so good, so natural and I don’t want it to end. In this moment, as she rides me, I feel as if I am floating in a universe, created just for us. Inside, I feel mounting pressure. I grab her hair. She slides up and down faster. I clutch wildly at her breasts.
“I like it when you’re a little rough with me.”
“Good,” I say.
I grunt, slightly, feeling a string of drool slide out between my lips. I grunt again. She smiles, kissing me on my lips. We change positions again. I push hard inside her. Her hair spreads out across the pillow in a vast sheet. Her breasts fly back and forth and, she moans,
“This feels so fucking good.”
“I, uh, love you too.” I say. She laughs lightly and it turns into a moan. I feel, like in a minute I am going to come. Not knowing what to do, I say it again. The words hang dark and ominous in the air.
“I love you.” She says it back.
“I love you.”
“ Ah, I love you.”
She laughs and moans a little. I grasp hold of her breasts again with one hand and mash my other palm into her face. Blocking her mouth. Hoping I can stop her, or myself from saying it again. Inside I feel more pressure mounting. I kiss her chest and her neck. I kiss her ribs, while her arms snap shut around me and pull me down onto her. I moan a bit after that, taking my hands off of her and thrusting them into the dark circle of her hair. “God, Chris,” she says. I thrust hard. Harder and keep thrusting, thrusting, thrusting, my heart pounding hard against my ribs. Sweat drips from my forehead, while I mouth the words just another minute. I don’t last. I explode inside of her. My body goes slack. I stop moving.
“Did you come?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say, placing my head on her chest.
“Good,” she says. Rubbing my head. Her legs still wrapped around me.
“Yeah.” I say. We lay still after that, while she runs her hand through my hair. I listen to her breathe and breathe her in. She smells like sweat and deodorant. I just smell like sweat.
“Do you really love me?” She asks. Digging her legs deeper into my back.
“Yes,” I say, feeling an awful void fill my chest, trapped, unable to do anything but lay here and listen to her breathe.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
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4 comments:
Chris, you do a fairly good job with this story. I like how you use repetition to emphasize that he doesn't really love her. I'd work on adding variation to the action though. Also, you use the word slide or sliding an awful lot.
Casey
Really good start and good pacing. The, uh, foreplay sequence, I guess you'd call it, works really well and shows the 'cuteness' between them, especially in the girl. It comes back into play later when she keeps saying "I love you" and asking holems if he loves her. Nice characterization with that. Watch out for punctuation; I saw a few things like "The hair? She smiles" here and there with some sentence fragments. It's just some editing, though.
I think the diction gets a little slippery sometimes. For a girl who's telling him "I love you" again and again, it seems uncharacteristic for her to beg Chris to fuck her and get a little rough, you know? 'Cause that's a girl who's kinda nasty. Maybe it could work better if you bring out that kinkiness first, but then as they get into it, she starts to say "I love you" so that it's more unnerving and unexpected.
The action [LOLerskates] in the sex scenes works pretty well, especially in the first half. You eventually write that "we switch positions after that", but I have no idea what position they're in after that. Later in the paragraph, you mention how she "slides up and down", and only then do I know she's riding him. But before that, all of the visuals, which are great sensual details, are incomplete for me.
To 'seal the deal,' you might describe her physical attributes. I mean, we're watching them have sex... it's "two people fucking", so get everybody hot on this. What color are her eyes? What about her hair? What about her breasts? You're damn good at being honest, so push it all the way, man!
Hotsauce.
Oh yeah, completely forgot something important. I was also going to suggest that after they come, you might lengthen your sentences a bit to slow down the reading, you know? Your sentences are terse and read quickly during the sex, nicely reflecting the sex itself, but they continue to speed by after climax. We gentlemen know that after coming, the first thing we'd like to do is sleep, or in the movies, smoke a cigarette and sleep.
Alright. Here we go.
First off, I have to say that the grammar and punctuation mistakes really distracted me from the story. Before you make work on editing your story, please clean that up.
At the beginning of the story, the two characters talk about the hair. Then it's not spoken of again. What hair? Why would it be a problem? Is there something off about one of them?
Here's another thing that threw me off -- the use of your own name in the story. Chris. I love you. You know that. But, as much as I love you, I DO NOT want to picture you having sex. I just don't. I don't want to think about you naked or what you think or say during sex. I think, that in the future, if you're a prominent writer, you'll probably want to distance yourself from the characters. Speaking autobiographically can get you into a lot of trouble, too. What if you want the character to do something that doesn't match up with your personality? You need to be in control of your character -- and separate from them.
I did like where you were going with the whole "I love you" bit. Actually, when you described putting your hand in her mouth to stop her from saying it, I was hoping something violent would happen, like he suffocates her or something. You know, Abre Los Ojos (or the later Vanilla Sky) style or something.
You also can be a little more descriptive of the sex. I don't think anyone who is attracted to the "two people fucking" title are going to shy away from a little more erotic description.
Your title, by the way, totally, totally rocks. It just may be my favorite part of the story. That little phrase encapsulates so much about what you're trying to depict with your characters -- no matter what anyone tells you, DON'T CHANGE THAT!
Alright. I hope that helps. I realize I'm being a little hard on you, but it's just because I care about you. And I owe that favor to your mom.
~Kelly
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