Caridad lay in bed and did not listen to her husband’s breath beside her, a dry same thing over and over. Once in a while Ruben snorted, but she didn’t hear. She listened instead to the sound of the stream through the open window- a little stream that ran over their land, a thousand feet from the house maybe, but big enough to hear when things were like this: midnight quiet, blue dark.
Caridad had listened to it when she got ready for sleep, putting on the same nightgown as the bedtime before, worn-thin and printed with flowers that had forgotten what color they were. She had listened to it while Ruben rocked on top of her, hot and salty like a roast beef that said her name.
When she was a little girl, her mother and aunts used to tell all the cousins about La Llorna, who spent the nighttimes of eternity wandering creek beds and pond sides in a white dress, howling for her drowned children. Sometimes, her sounds were the wails of regret, because her children’s deaths were her fault; other times, they were told to be yowls of defeat, because she had tried to stop it and couldn’t. When Caridad was a teenager, boys in the backseats of cars had made La Llorna’s shrieks into the battle cry of a murderess, hoping to scare away the idea of personal space.
Caridad in the dark listened hard, past the stream, trying to hear the ghost lady singing her terrible song to the water. There was nothing. Caridad in her nightgown knew what the trouble was: La Llorna was a woman who screamed so loud, no one could hear it.
2 comments:
First of all, I very much liked the length of the story. Although I feel you could make it longer, if you wanted to, the amount of description and information about the setting leaves the reader with a good overall understanding of what's going on.
I especially enjoyed the recurring image of the river. The river's intimate connection with the main character (whose name I'm momentarily forgetting) is played out very well -- you show her connection with the river, her past's connection with the river and the society's connection with the river, if you wanted to look at it that way.
If you wanted, you could go into greater detail about where the river is exactly, who else has been affected by (or has affected) the river, if the protagonist has any conflicting feelings about the river... Also, you totally sucked me in when you mentioned the drowned children and their mother's wailing... I want to know more. I want to know it all. You can tell me. Do it. Please.
The interaction between husband and wife was pretty well done, too. You seem to focus on his breathing in particular, which I liked, but I think you could maybe draw the reader into his breathing more if you have the protagonist show or think about how the breathing now signifies something entirely different than what it once did.
Like I said before, I feel absolutely comfortable with the length of the story. If you felt like you wanted to flesh (is it flush?) it out a little, though, I think it wouldn't be too difficult. You've set up a really good starting point, and I (and I'm assuming others, too) could go for more in-depth analysis of the characters and social situation.
Awesome work. I think it was Twain who, after composing quite the lengthy letter, wrote at the bottom, "I would have written a shorter letter, but I didn't have the time." It's clear to me that this story, although short, is not devoid of work. So, good job. Again.
Love,
Kelly
I agree with Kelly. i like the connection between the central character and the creek. i also like the connection between the creek and Lalorna. Not only is it interesting because Lalorna seems folkloric but because perhaps she cannot listen because her husbands snoring is too loud. Also I agree, I would like to know about these dead children and further how lalorna affected your central character as a child. How did stories of her howling barefoot in a creek bed make her feel? was it frightening or exhilarating? Furthermore, why is your character listening for her?
What I like about your story is the length and the pacing. it moves very well from the present into the past, where your narrator explains Lalorna. that transition is very smooth. The whole story is pretty smooth so good job man! Keep up the good work, try working within the confines of your length rather then expanding scenes because now it has a rather poetic quality that works with the folkloric mood of it.
nice work
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