You. Yes, I'm talking to you. The typical clueless college student casually wasting away the days engaged in a life of sin. Go ahead and laugh at me, but don't ignore me. I've come to this campus today in an attempt to save the youth of today from their immoral, self-indulgent lifestyles. While your schools' administrators, your professors, and even your parents may choose to ignore the dangers of the college lifestyle, I can no longer bear saying nothing about it.
You, yes all of you, walking through this campus built on the soil of God's great creation, you must be educated on the sins of college students. You, young man with your breath reeking of booze... you're guilty of gluttony! Thinking it is okay to fill your body with intoxicating liquids that cloud your judgment. Just because you have left the shelter of your parents home, you believe that massive consumption of alcohol has become acceptable? Not to mention the other drugs you allow yourself to fall victim to. The number of blood shot eyes I've spotted today blows my mind! Back in my day, we were smart enough to leave smoking marijuana to the hippies. You, Mr. Fried For Life, how many ills have you swallowed this semester, and how many lines have you snorted this week?
Go ahead and gawk at me, the crazy God-loving adult who is worried about the future of our society. Who are you to judge me, while you spend the day dressed in clothing so provocative it would make your own sister blush? Showing up to class in bare midriffs and exposed shoulders. Hell, since I've been here, no less than three girls have walked by me with their thongs riding up above their jeans for the whole world to see. Has everybody forgotten the meaning of modesty?
I see that Mr. Perfect here to my right found that last bit funny. But you have no right to find humor in my words. Even you, with your perfect 4.0 GPA, are guilty of a sin or two. So you want me to name them? How about envy? So overcome with jealousy for a professor's attention that you find yourself mentioning Gandhi, Aristotle, or Winston Churchill any time you speak in class. And remember, through the eyes of God, too much pride is also a sin. Maybe you should reconsider your pompous ways? Just because you have completed a couple of level 300 college classes doesn't mean you are suddenly more enlightened than the rest of the human population.
Oh good. I'm glad that you, Mr. sweat-soaked Jock, on the way back from the gym, can laugh at my making fun of Mr. Goody-two-shoes suck up. Yet, who are you to judge him? For you are certainly blameworthy of numerous sins. I'm pretty sure that cheating on your last Psychology examination, or even the procrastinating of your English paper, can be categorized under the sin of sloth. And what happened the last time a professor actually picked up on your lazy behavior and gave you a grade you actually deserved? Did you not sit there and trash talk about that same professor? And is anger not also a sin?
What's this? The school has sent their imitation officers to get rid of me? I guess that should have been expected. All right, I'll be on my way. Though I'm not sure I find your flashlights particularly intimidating, I'd rather not give you the pleasure of handcuffing me. Yes, I'll gladly move 1000 feet from the campus. But please, remember, God is always watching you!
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2 comments:
Casey, I like this, I think it is very clever. I love the bit about Winston Churchill and Aristotle...that line is great. However, I feel like your speaker is one sided. Maybe you could beef him up and make him a little crazier. as his one sidedness comes off as a bit cliche. if you maybe through in a few more voices, namely in his head, or have him trail off for a moment we would get the idea that he is really crazy and somewhat incoherant. in NYC i had to interact with the homeless everyday. most of them talked about God but they did it in bizar round about ways. they would talk about how Noah was one of the first CIA agents...stuff like that gives your story a dash of reality. it takes the focus off but i feel like focus might actually hinder your story. i mean if this guy is talking about paranoia fantasies like god is watching spice it up make it nuts
Dearest Casey,
I remember this happening. It was FRIGGIN HALARIOUS! Do you remember when he started on his gay-bashing rant when those two nice ladies started making out in front of him? I about pooped my pants it was so awesome.
Maybe, because it seems Chris is a little confused (he would be, since he wasn't here last year), you could add something in about the scenery to let the reader know it's some nut-job protesting on a college campus.
I think reactions to what he says would be good to include, too. Like, you could do something nobody would expect - side with that crazy man, Casey! SIDE WITH HIM AND BASK IN THE GLORY OF LUNACY!
I do aggree with Fazio about making him even more nutty. You could add in physical things - like include that every time he says "Jesus" he brushes his nipples with his left hand, note that oh-so-awkward twitch he's got going... Or you could do this with dialogue. He could stutter or his voice could crack with emotion.
What does he look like? Is he wearing a billboard? Does he have war-paint on? Is he sipping on some cheap gin?
check it!
kelly
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